I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
please don't ironically join a cult
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