I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
