At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
