and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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