Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
