i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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