On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How's work?
Spinning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
