I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
