the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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