I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
