I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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