My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
