you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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