I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
