Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
