They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize