Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
