Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
