Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
