Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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