Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
