I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
