hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
