In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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