hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
