Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
