You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
