She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we made out on top of his cat.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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