3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize