yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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