3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
