I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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