He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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