There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
