When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
