The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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