Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
