Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize