You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize