Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
