I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
