This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my phone needs a breathalizer
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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