dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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