we have pet lesbian snakes
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
