Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
