My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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