I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
