when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
