I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
