I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
