You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
