I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
