this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize