She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
