You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
