those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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