I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
