i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
