the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
