I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
