just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
