grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
