Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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